Coach the Person, Not the Paper
by Michelle Pauk
"Dave" was a project manager who had been in a part-time Scrum Master role for the past few years. He seemed to enjoy his work, but his methods as a Scrum Master were considered idiosyncratic and ineffective by his peers. He also had developed a reputation for ignoring feedback, and his bosses had had enough. I was told I was being assigned to coach Dave as a last resort―if he didn't change any of his behavior after coaching, he'd be returned to his former project management role.
I didn't fully appreciate what I was getting into. It soon became clear Dave didn't want to be coached. This quickly became a miserable experience for both of us.
Each week we’d meet for 30 minutes in the office cafeteria. Dave would open his laptop, bring up the team’s Jira workspace, and launch into a 29-minute monologue about their progress and tasks without pausing for breath.
I listened on high alert, crouched like a lion in the long grass. When Dave finally stopped talking, I’d pounce, pelting him with “helpful” comments and “powerful” questions such as:
“The Scrum Guide says…”
“That might work, but it’s not best practice.”
“Have you thought about trying this instead?”
“Don’t you think it would be more effective if…?”
Then time was up. Dave would snap his laptop shut and that was it.
Unsurprisingly, Dave’s work showed little improvement with my “coaching.” As the weeks passed, I became convinced I was failing in my task because he refused to budge.
So I tried being more forceful. I’d cram in some unsolicited advice about what he should be doing. I’d argue directly, point for point, with his approach.
Still nothing changed.
Then one day a tiny thought crept into my mind a few minutes before our scheduled meeting. The thought was: “I wonder how Dave feels about this.”
I realized then that I’d broken a cardinal rule about helping others. When I was in college, I participated in a peer writing tutor program where we learned how to coach fellow students to improve their academic writing. A key mantra was this: “Coach the person, not the paper.” The whole time I’d been working with Dave, I was coaching “the paper”―the Jira board, the Scrum Guide, the backlog. I’d completely ignored the person sitting in front of me.
When Dave sat down for our next meeting, I took a deep breath and asked him if I could start with something I wanted to say. He nodded, surprised. I said, “Dave, I want to apologize to you. I’ve realized that this whole time we’ve been working together, I haven’t been listening. I’ve been trying to force my ideas on you, and I haven’t even bothered to ask if you’re interested in hearing them. I’d like to change that today. Would that be okay with you? ”
Dave’s shoulders relaxed and a wide grin slowly spread across his face. He offered me his outstretched hand. “Thank you,” he said as we shook hands. “This has been the best session yet.”
